Flying: How to not be a Dick.

Flying is a wondrous past time.

Most people flying are jetting off on holiday to experience a new country and culture, see friends and family, or in a lot of cases these days, get absolutely off their trolley.

What you get up to between your outbound and return journey will likely be pretty special and form memories that will stay with you forever, or you’ll form some infections if you’re off to Ayia Napa.

The flying experience to and from your destination can be also be great, and hopefully infection free.

Flying is so exciting!

However, when you cram so many people into a small metal tube for multiple hours then it’s inevitable that frustrations can occasionally rise.

These frustrations could easily get someones holiday off to a salty start and we don’t want that to happen to anyone, including you!

So, heres some tongue in cheek tips on how to make yours and everyones flying experience a good one, and how not to be a dick.


“We’d like to board people in zone 1 only please”

*everyone gets up and rushes to board*

People have an assigned seat, and their group will be called, everyone will get on board before the plane leaves.

All these people do is slow everyone else down and annoy the stewards who will calmly tell you them to piss off.

My top tip is to wait till the end, no queuing!


Please, stand in the aisle when everyone is trying to get past. 

Here’s the process: walk to your isle, bag in overhead bin, and swooosh, down you go into your seat to let the next people past.

Get the stuff you need out your bags before you’re even on the plane.

None of this rummaging around in bags and pockets while you stand in the middle of the isle, otherwise my suitcase might accidentally run over your foot.


Oh of course, you want to sit in my seat, that I specifically booked.

Now this has never happened to me before but I have plenty of friends who it has happened to.

You get on your plane where you have a specific seat reserved, only to board and find someone sitting in it pleading the 5th.

If it’s a genuine reason then I don’t blame someone for asking, but let the person sit in their seat first then ask them, don’t just automatically sit in it!


Yes, please help yourself to my arm rest.

Some people are just all elbows aren’t they?

If someone only has one arm rest, don’t hog it or elbow there arm off it.


Use the long arm of the law on your kids.

No, I don’t mean beat them with your long ass arm. I mean instil some discipline in them.

Flying can be tiring and uncomfortable for many, so if your kid is kicking the chair in front them, tell them to stop.

If your kid is yelling the plane down because they didn’t get the window seat, calmly sedate them.

If you your child is constantly asking, “are we there yet?”, tell them that every time they ask that again, they’ll get one less present at Christmas.

And anyway, families with small children, we all secretly give you the evils when you get to board first.


I don’t want your phone to make us crash.

I know the chance of it happening is like 0.00001%.

BUTTTTTT,

When the flight attendants ask you to turn off your electronic devices, just do it.

I’m sure twitter can wait for your latest hilarious anecdote.


I just love it when my meals finally come, then you shove your chair back.

I really did want to wear my food today instead of eat it.

At meal times simply bring your chair up. If you want to recline, just a little check behind you to see if the person behind is still eating wouldn’t hurt.


Dude, keep your socks on

Do I need to say more…?

And if you’re behind me, definitely don’t pout your feet on the back of my arm rest.


The wheels have touched the runway…goooo!

You always have a couple of eager beavers who try to get a head start as soon as the wheels touch the tarmac.

Let’s gooooo….

You hear those seat-buckles unclip, theres a sense of rush in the air, and you hear people rummaging around in those over head bins.

It’s a great feeling when the attendant calls over the tannoy for them to sit back in their seat that they’ve probably reclined so far back they think they’re already on the beach.


People in front of you Leave first…

This is a universal system, and the quickest one!

The rows of people in front of you leave then you leave.

I mean, look at the guy on the right!

If this system falls apart, then civilisations will fall, and the end of the world will be nigh.

You don’t want that on your shoulders do you?


Most importantly… be in a great mood, you’re on holiday!

The things listed above are bound to happen time to time on flights.

Its inevitable when you cram so many people into a small space that people will occasionally become annoyed with each other.

However, you’re going on holiday so these small things should be dwarfed by how excited you are about your trip!

Flying should be and is a enjoyable experience!

If you do find someone annoying you in the any of the ways listed above, or others, and its making your flight uncomfortable, with a smile just politely ask them if they could not do it anymore.

Happy flying people!

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